


time is the medicine

by meredithhildebrand



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Sad, idk why I only write angst, im sorry, very sad, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 22:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13937247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredithhildebrand/pseuds/meredithhildebrand





	time is the medicine

>  

  
the sky is an ashy shade of grey, as Baz stands in front of Simon's grave, his black hair falling around his face like a raven-coloured curtain. Penelope stands a few feet away from him, but she can still feel the waves of immense heartache radiating off of Baz as if she's standing right underneath the sun.

_The Sun._ That was one of Baz's favourite things to call Simon; he did so all the time. Normally it was followed by Baz's hand running through Simon's bronze curls, and an intimate moment of understanding between the two boys, a moment that could only be translated into something special between them. it was something that only made perfect sense between the two of them.

Penny did always think there was some sort of irreversible, irreplaceable _something_ between Simon and Baz, but she could never place it. It was one of the things that she didn't know how to decipher until it was right in front of her.

it all made sense, though. that night, so long ago, at the top of the white chapel. Baz's arms wrapped around Simon so tightly, his normally razor-sharp voice whittled down to a barely-audible whisper that Penny didn't even recognize at first.  
" _it's alright love."_  
it all made sense after that moment, and she couldn't believe she didn't realize it sooner.

Penelope, as negative as it was, couldn't help but think that the fire that burned so brightly beneath them just wasn't meant to last. she wishes she could bring Simon back, she wishes _so hard,_ but wishes aren't that powerful.

_he went too soon_ , she thinks, crossing her arms over her chest in an attempt to preserve warmth in the cold, November air. he went too soon.

Baz's shoulders begin to shake uncontrollably, and the impact sends him to his knees on the frozen ground. Penny isn't sure if she should rush over to comfort him or-

no. she can't comfort him, she can't bring back Simon, she can't reverse the irreversible. she has all the power in the world, and yet she still doesn't have enough strength to help the one person who she's learned to love as much as she loved Simon.

he lost the one person who actually got in through to him. Simon was everything to Baz.

he was everything. In every sense of the word, Simon was Baz's everything. his love, his worst nightmare, his greatest regret, his best friend, _everything_. 

and Penny knows that once something like that is taken away from you too soon, that there isn't a way to come back from it without losing a large piece of you along with it.

she feels useless, for one of the few times in her life. she feels broken. unusable. worthless.

but she can't break down from this, because she knows, she knows deep down, that no matter how much pain she feels, it's nothing compared to the amount of pain that Baz is feeling. she has to be strong, so that he doesn't completely fall apart. she has to be strong enough to hold both of them together.

she takes a step forward, and another, and another. she kneels down next to Baz, and hesitantly puts a gloved hand on his shoulder. he jerks at the sudden contact, but relaxes as Penny opens her mouth.

"he loved you, you know," she says, her voice as soft as the gentle breeze that wafted over the Watford hills in the early spring months.

"he loved you, so much. more than he ever loved anyone," she continues, and she begins to feel her eyes growing dangerously warm. she swallows thickly. "you meant the whole world to him, Baz. you were his world. everything he did, everything he felt, revolved around _you_."

Baz jerks again, and Penny wraps her arms around him, and his head falls onto her shoulder. his hair brushes against her neck and she shuts her eyes tightly, trying to keep the tears that threaten to fall in, and not out. Baz's hands grip at her back, his nails digging into her skin.

they sit there, for hours. by the time that Penny convinces Baz to go back to the car, her jacket sleeve is soaked through and damp with Baz's tears. her heart is tired. sore. drained. she feels like time has stopped. she feels like the feeling inside of her is never going to go away. like she's going to be stuck like this forever.

Penny doesn't remember the drive home from the graveyard that day. all she remembers is collapsing onto the sofa, and Baz wandering slowly into the bedroom that he and Simon shared for almost as many years as the one they shared at Watford.

she hears him turn on the shower; she hears the drip-drip of the water hitting the floor.

what was she supposed to do now?

  
~~~

Baz sits on a chair, staring out the window at the small snowflakes drifting down from the sky. it's ironic, he thinks. on the one-month anniversary of Simon's death, and it's snowing. he clenches his fists together and swallows thickly, willing himself not to cry.

only one thought is running through his head, over and over again. over and over and over until Baz can't think of anything else.

_i just need time. i just need time. i just need -_

but he can't hold on for much longer and he knows that, and tears begin streaming down his face. he pulls at his hair with his fingers the way that Simon used to do when he was frustrated and stomps his foot against the ground, his face growing uncomfortably warm. no amount of pain that he had ever felt could compare to the harsh monster of grief ripping away everything inside of him.

_i need more time._

 


End file.
